Welcome to the latest installment of People Who Hate Their Horses and Thus Give Them Terrible Names. I’ve been doing this review for four years now, and I can say with confidence that this year’s class of horse names is the worst I’ve ever covered. Just pure crap. So bad, so uninspired, that — well, I guess I’ll just let you see for yourself.
*Edit: this list was compiled earlier in the week, and there have been some alterations to the final lineup. I’ll cover them soon.
**Edit #2: Or maybe I won’t.
This sounds like an early Nintendo game that probably wasn’t that good, but that I would be willing to spend a lot of time at because of masochistic pseudo-nostalgia. Or maybe it’s just the embodied malevolence of the ornate residence of a monarch. Either way, fun!
In 1524, Giovanni da Verrazano became the first European to explore the Atlantic coast of North America – except for the fact that the Vikings had already done that. If you want to name your horse after something that had already been accomplished prior to the 11th century, why not name it, I dunno, Writing Down Beowulf or Being An Idiot About Astronomy?
Five years of fighting between Dutch colonials and rebelling Javanese? Giddy up!
This isn’t one of those racist kittens that’s always drunk by 2 p.m. and looks for any excuse to rant about how global warming is a conspiracy peddled by godless commie Muslim welfare recipients who want to take his guns away. No, this is one of those rare, charming kittens.
The leading cause of winning is outperforming your opponents. Other causes include cheating and misunderstanding failure.
Gold is heavy. This horse is probably slow.
This horse is the father of both the Food Research and Action Center and the natural-gas-harvesting technique known as fraccing. I don’t want to tell Frac Daddy how to live, but maybe he should consider using condoms. Those kids clearly have different mothers.
What the hell is Mylute? I would say “diluted Mylanta,” but that’s actually a great name for a horse. Mylute is the opposite of that.
Assuming we’re talking about the hip-hop group, “Black Onyx” is about as redundant as “White Neil Diamond.” Otherwise, “onyx” comes from the Latin for “fingernail,” and black fingernails tend to mean you slammed your hand in a drawer or something. So that’s a good name for a horse, right?
Hopefully this is a reboot of The Golden Girls, but with coins instead of old women. Otherwise, it’s a horse with a stupid name.
“Orb” might not sound impressively fast at first, but consider this: the celestial orb we call “Mercury” revolves around the sun every 88 days, which is four times faster than I do. Nonetheless, if I knew this horse, I would call it “Round Thing,” because Orb is a crappy name.
This horse is committed to overturning millennia of equine subjugation. It dreams of a world in which humans are trained their entire lives to run around an oblong track for no other reason than to see which one can complete the task the fastest. Er – wait a minute – that already happens. So I guess “Revolutionary” is a pun on “revolution” in the sense that it means going around in a circle.
Lines of Battle
When the race starts, all the other horses will sprint around the track in a rather direct path, but Lines of Battle has a different strategy. It’s going to advance a ways, be confronted by enemy combatants, fall back, entrench itself, fortify its position, engage in a lengthy battle of attrition, and lose the race by several months.
Let’s pretend we don’t immediately think of the word “hijack” when we see Vyjack. We’re left with a horse named Jack that… should vie for something, I guess? But I can’t get behind the name Jack – it’s a name people only have on TV or in movies. In the real world, everyone is named Matt, Jeff, or Chris.
VyChris sounds like a black market boner pill. D
Will Take Charge
This horse is a born leader that will eventually take control of things. But for right now, it’s content getting stoned and playing Madden. Taking charge is such a tomorrow thing, you know?
Okimgoingtogettheobviousjokeoutoftheway. There’s something I like about Itsmyluckyday. I think it’s that it brings to mind a down-on-his-luck gambling addict who goes to the track swearing by some new “system” he’s devised, but then he sees Itsmyluckyday and says, “Ah! It’s a sign!” Then he loses a bunch of money, drinks five bottles of wine, and becomes one of the most famous outsider poets ever.
Still, it’s a chintzy name with no spaces. C+
Sentor Augustus and Presdent Mike agree: misspelling the titles of elected officials is tops!
Naming your horse after a something that’s used to harness oxen is kinda like naming your child “Gorilla Cage,” except that I don’t like it.
I bet the owner of Title Contender has, like, six other horses named Glue.
In 1106, Henry I captured Normandy. To rub the Normans’ noses in their defeat, he nicknamed them the “Hanks,” after himself. The Normans, understandably, were upset about this; their attitude can be summed up by the sentence, “Aw man, we’re friggin’ Hanks?” Over time, “friggin’ Hanks” evolved into “Franks,” from which the country of France takes its name.
At least, I assume that’s the Normandy invasion this horse is named for. If it were named for the one in 1944, the synonymous name Operation Neptune is clearly a better choice.
If you ever took this horse to Key West, it would totally crack.
I must admit, I’ve never understood the whole “the sky is falling” idiom. What’s there to worry about? You’re not going to get crushed; you’re already subjected to the weight of all of the sky above you. Besides, isn’t the sky always kind of falling, due to convection and whatever? Or are we just talking about rain? Where I live, it rains 155 days a year. Know what I do about it? Wear a hoodie.
Admittedly, “Falling Sky” is catchier than “Wear A Hoodie Today.” C+
Tiz A Minister
Tiz also the ztupidest name on thiz list.
“Power Broker” is basically just a sexy way to say “lobbyist,” so I’m going to go ahead and intervene, rechristening this horse “Meteor Teeth.” Picture it: a horse moving so fast that the air in front of it gets compressed, ablating its teeth in a manner reminiscent of a shooting star. Its winnings will be more than sufficient to buy horse dentures.